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The Last Man

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Call Me Self-Absorbed

I'd much rather not think about my problems. I feel better pretending to be okay.
But as the same issues keep striking me down, it might be time to take a look inside. Admit that I am sick, crazy, fucked-up and always will be. I'm more prone to harmful optimism: as soon as a bad period ends and I'm okay again, I like to think I'm cured. Only to step into the same hole again. That kind of optimism admittedly gets you by, but it doesn't solve or cure anything. 
It's easy to see now, from down here, what a fucked-up mess I am.That I really need help. That this is no way to live. But as I rise again, my sense of self shifts, and I don't see the point in going to therapy (once again) when I'm happy and content. I'm walking on thin ice though, the black fatal waters are waiting for me just below.

I will never accept

I seem to live in an area with high number of dogowners who are violent towards their pets. Or maybe I'm just starting to notice this sickening behavior more. I can't understand what they think gives them right to mistreat their dogs. If a dog disobeys, it's not the dog's fault but the owner's, who either doesn't understand their dog or is incapable of controlling them. Both of which can easily be corrected by doing some reading.
There's nothing that upsets me more than irrational violence towards innocent animals. Makes me unable to stand to be part of this ugly world. That's why I try to avoid being exposed to it. News, haven't read or watched them for years. I'm scared of my reaction, what I would do to the perpetrators or myself. Like horribly, paranoid-level scared. I have impulse control issues, and I'm convinced that in certain circumstances I might be unleashed beyond any reason.
One of the few situations when I could kill without hesitation.

So out of it

I'm kind of out of control nowadays.
In constant anxiety, teary and irrational. Of no reason at all. Acting out of dimensions. The next day I wonder what the hell I was doing or thinking.
And the shame. Over everything, every mistake, every damage I've ever done. Feeling like such a failure. I know we all are like that, imperfect, but the difference is I can't stand it. I don't know how you live with yourselves.
I should just suppress it, witness the suffering and let it happen. Not fight the cruelty, just pass by like everyone else.
It's not mine to decide what is a worthy existence, pain is also life. Like I learned from the sociopath.
So I placed the dying bird in a soft place in the bushes and left it to die in peace.
Cried all the way home.

Promises, promises

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Another classic

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Turning into someone else and back

I've been feeling like total crap for a couple of days, just bitching and wailing about everything. Threw a few tantrums too, surprising some people, not like me to roar and spit fire.
So instead of going out on friday, I called my friend at the last minute and cancelled. I feel like an idiot for doing that, nothing annoys me like people who change plans like that. But there was just no way I'd have managed it, in my state. So I just took a pill and went to sleep.
Next day I woke up at 3.30 pm after 18 hrs of sleep. Tried to get a little stuff done atleast, but kept getting the feeling something was off, as if I'd woken up in the wrong reality. Wondered just how long before I'd feel normal, or was it going to be like this much longer. Not many hours had passed and I was tired again, go back to bed. Not until this morning did I feel like myself again.
I must say it feels good to be back.

Another Skull in my Necklace

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Children with guns is the apocalypse. Nobody has the time to explain them the reality has no game over button.
You just don't get me. I have no idea who you think I am. My job is to play that role and say the lines that constitutes our friendship.
I can barely tolerate the cruelty I witness on a daily basis. I look the other way and assure myself there's nothing I can do.
I really want to spend time with you but I get stuck in my everyday duties. The machine has to keep running, and it needs fuel so I can't rest a second.
Is perfection really too much to ask? Why must we be human and disappoint each other?
It's all too much for my mind, signals taking out each other in a chaos.
This is not the truth, the truth is always changing. My views will oppose themselves tomorrow.

I don't listen to the warnings

Bad sign: a public breakdown. I've been stretching myself beyond my limits, yet convincing myself it's good for me. With a history of burnouts I should know better. But I guess fools make the same mistakes again and again and expect different results.
Anyway, I was standing outside my friend's house, couldn't come in because the door code was in my phone which had stopped working after I put it in my bag with a bottle of water too hastily closed. I was supposed to feed my friends cats during the weekend, I was already late because I'd slept too long in the morning. Now I could not come in or call my friend or anybody. Two hours of waiting for someone to come in or out, frantic pushing of buttons (it must be one of these damn numbers!) an attempt to obtain new mobile, and to knock on nearby friends doors, I was done. My eyes fill with water, and at that same minute a guy comes by, asks if I am well while opening the door with the code. I gasp from between my tears that I've forgotten the door code and I'm supposed to be a catsitter...He shows me the code (I swear I tried the combination atleast 10 times) and lets me in. If only I'd have beared it a few seconds more I'd have saved myself from public disgrace, but no. 32-year-old-women don't burst into tears at every small obstacle, that's for little girls. On the other hand, at this point I don't much care. I know it's not just this, I've had a shitty week that just doesn't seem to end.
This is a sign to slow down, but I'm not ready to do that. I'll keep pushing, keep forcing, keep stretching myself further.
In some level I need to keep myself going. At fast forward you can't think too much, it's a dizzy numbness. I recently noticed that even though I haven't stopped thinking about him, I'm no longer sure I'm doing it everyday. I suspect I am, but I'm not sure anymore. And that's really good progress.

Struck down

This familiar feeling...a mix of shame, self-loathing and anger. A product of low self-esteem, ignited by stress. What is it this time? Workplace dynamics? Is that all? Can't you think of anything worse? No that's all it takes. Or even less. Just this:
                                                     I should have done this instead of that because now he thinks I'm not but I am and I should have said it instead of beating around the bush and I know he knows what I think and I'm ashamed and I'm sorry but I can't stop and all that i was thinking in the first place is now just buried under the guilt of thinking them and maybe this isnt even real but im just crazy but i don't think so because i'm sensitive to people and i know that i know what i know.....

I can't even phrase it. I'm eaten alive by the shame, please, please just kill me now. I know this is just the same monster who always comes back, in different guise. It's name is self-loathing. When I'm insecure, afraid, stressed, tired -the tension builds up until the earth opens and I fall and fall . The throat presses together until the tears burst out. I have no defense against it. I'm missing something important inside that protects me. I'm defect, a freak. I'm unarmed, defenseless, it's my own fault and i deserve this. So stop being so nice to me, it just makes it worse. I don't deserve your help, let me suffer ok?

Why Do I Even Bother...

I'm not afraid of rejection, just say the word, I can handle it. You don't have to like me.

By this I mean rejection itself.

But for goodness sake show some respect. Why is it so difficult to reject someone with honesty and some dignity? I don't recall ever having been dumped respectfully. It's either that I have to find it out by myself when they've already moved on or they never stopped moving on in the first place, but just dragged me along for convenience.

I play with my cards on the table, my intentions visible and always careful handling somebody's heart. And what I get for my consideration? How is the respect I show answered? With lies. With cheating. With disrespect. With inconsideration. With selfishness. With recklessness. With rudeness.

Respect is all I ask. To be treated like I am human.

I Should Have Known Then

I remember sitting in the bathtub with you, looking at your beautiful body, aching because you were so perfect, not a single fault, everything in it's right place. And you sat with your head in your hands, talking to yourself and sighing, looking so tormented...I just wanted to hold you, to tell you how perfect you were to me...but I didn't.

You returned from your thoughts and lifted your head, looked at me, and smiled your adorable smile with sad eyes full of shame. I wondered why on earth someone so wonderful would be ashamed of themselves. I would know why soon enough...

I think I will always remember how you looked at me. It was the only sign of a conscience you ever showed.
I suppose I should be glad I got atleast that...

the woods

It was time to say goodbye so Patricia turned to me, took my plaids in her hands and wished me good luck in the woods. Be careful now love, there is a lot of bad out there, she said, a lot of bad.

She was right.
It took me 10 years to understand it wasn't the woods that she meant.

my options

I've got a feeling things have been going wrong for a long time. Job-wise. Whether it's my fault or not I'm not quite sure. I do have psychological issues that come to light in every aspect of my life, including work.
Then again, it could just have been bad luck. Totally incompatible workplaces, or totally not my kind of job. Mistakes happen, right?  
So because I don't know why things have gone wrong, I don't really know what to do. I have no idea if I'm capable of working or not. By working I mean a decent job, not the kind of loser-jobs anyone can get without any education. The last thing I want to do is fail at yet another job.

Secondly, I don't even know if I really want a decent job. It could just be one of those things that I feel I have to do, that are my responsibility...but which don't really matter in the end. Then again I'm not sure getting a (better) job is my first priority right now.
Maybe I should concentrate on myself instead. Try and fix my head for good. Or travel 'till I'm out of money. Anything, so I would gain interest in my life.
Or just drift, on the dole, doing nothing. Thinking, reading, figuring things out. Oh yeah, like that has been a good idea before...I'll just feel even more worthless and end up an addict.

What great options indeed.


On a more positive note, why not give it one more go. There's still a chance I won't fail, although improbable. But what the hell, am I going to let the bullies ruin my life? No way, I'm not giving up. Not untill they come and drag me away. I may be crazy, slow, stupid and weak, but I'm not a quitter. 
I'll get ready for interviews: I'll prepare my most preposterous lies and stories ( 'me? i just looove talking in the telephone all day', ' i thrive in a hectic schedule', ' i am a sociable, positive, easy-going person' -all that shite they want to hear) and shut up about any mental issues.
It could have happened to anyone. It wasn't because I was depressed ( i.e. brain-dead), it was because they did not train me nearly enough, and gave up on me just like that. What kind of boss does that? I would have had potential, all it would have taken was a bit of leadership psychology. But just go on and throw it away

Like flies falling down

Not long ago I cut down my participation in the cat shelter. Well, it seems i'm not the only one there who's worked themselves to the point of exhaustion. We've after all been far too few as long as i can remember. So this shouldn't be a surprise. But i'm still kind of worried.
A girl who i thought was a superwoman, working two (three?) jobs, barely ever had any time off, except a day here and there, and was superengaged at the shelter too, is now on a sick leave, she told me yesterday. She also told me that another woman, who's basically one of the two founders, a driving force behind the whole organization, has quitted, just like that.
Oh shit i thought, what's going to happen to the shelter? The other founder, head of the organization, the one who's still left, is too overworked to have a clue. There's really no one who takes real responsibility. Well, there's our poor schedule administrator, who's juggling everything and more right the look of things she will burn out soon enough.
I tried to hint at the state of mental health of our volunteers a while ago and got a very nasty, mean response that knocked me out. But we're all accustomed to our head of organization being a total psycho at times. I have huge fights with her, but we like each other.

Well, I'm too sick to work soon anyway, so I guess i will quit my shitty job and start working for the cats instead. Or something.

the wall II - chronicles of a breakdown

Hit the second wall. Two days of crying. Sedatives.

The stress wound me up after work on Monday, on my way to my evening job. Got home by midnight, after 18hrs of work, shut the front door and collapsed crying on the floor. Just from the exhaustion. Thats my response to stress, i start crying hysterically.

Next day's my day off. It turned into a surreal nightmare.
Things to do at home. Come to a good start. Then get angsty, shouldn't I get out of the house soon before it's too late? I don't want this to be one of the days when I suddenly notice it's evening and I haven't been out of the house, done my shopping or any of the things i should. At that point my computer refuses to start, and after trying to fix it, i give up. I'll take it with me to town, find a mechanic. Pack it in my bagpack, take a buss.
I sit in the bus, try to think where I am going, where to go off. Can't get that thought through. Can't make a decision. I step out of the bus, have to walk back to another bus stop, another direction. Wait for ages, then a bus comes and I take it to a shopping centre. Here I was suppose to do my crocery shopping today. But the computer on my back is too heavy, i have to leave it fixed somewhere first. Stupid of me to come here, there won't be any shop here that fixes computers, i know that. Panic. Throath hurts, breathing difficult. Eyes watering. I walk aimlessly around the mall. Get harrassed by mobile phone salesmen who laugh at me for not answering their how are you today. Fuck them, i say to myself. Anxiety multiplied by a 1000. Take yet another bus, my third today. Wasted already hours on this wandering, unable to decide what to get done first. Cry in front of people at the bus stop. I should just go back home, just go to bed. My computer doesn't work, and this is the only day i have time to get it fixed this week. Fridge empty, i need croceries. Go home, go to sleep. I don't seem to be functioning today, unable to think, just making vague attempts and ending up accomplishing nothing. I'm way too tired.

Doctor calls next day, asks how my medications is kicking in. I say it seems to give me a little more energy, but I still get those bad days. He says no medication will help if i don't slow down. Offers me counselling for the third time. Talks about recovery plans and goals, makes it sound like a military mission (do i fucking sound like i'm up to a challenge right now???). I tell him that, and he says it's not a project, it's help. I remember too well my last counselling experience. I was an even bigger mess than now, a wreck of a human. I could only sit down and i'll start to cry and hyperventilate. The therapist sat in her chair, impatient, ogling at me with disapproving eyes. Demanded to know what kind of help i wanted. I tried to talk, barely found my voice. She complained she couldn't hear what i was saying.
Yeah i'm really up to that again. That's exactly what i need right now, one more thing to do, one more project needing energy that i don't have.

But I started to think what the doctor said about cutting down. So I cut down 4hrs a week from my voluntary job. Plus my extra responsibilities. I don't like it at all, knowing i'll just waste away the time otherwise. But there's nothing else I can give up right now. Advice coming from here and there, friends telling me what i should do. I know what i should do, can already name two things. Which i don't do, because i'm tired. I'm tired. T-i-r-e-d.
Won't everybody just understand that already?



My granmother is unwell. I heard it today, from my mother. My mother has tried to call me, but i rarely answer her so she messaged me instead. My grandmother is in the hospital now, due to blood pressure problems. I wanted to call her but could not deal with it. I'm afraid that i wouldn't sound worried enough. That my reaction would be insufficient. 

It's so hard for me these days to summon up some real compassion to people who should be important to me. Who i should care about. I don't know where to find those feelings. I feel guilty about not meeting with friends too. I just don't want to. I like them and all and wouldn't probably think it was too bad if i did it.

I feel like i only have time for me. Am i selfish? It's not like i have a choice.

My life has just become so weird. I can't get things done. I'm always in a hurry, but  accomplish very little. Morning turns to evening before I know it. I make plans but don't follow them through. I barely get done what I have to do, so that the food in the fridge doesn't run out, so that I have clean clothes, so that my apartment isn't a mess. Plus work and sleep.

Social life, relaxing, having do other people do it? How do they find the time? It looks like they do, so something must be wrong with me, because i can't. Well, occasionally i succeed too, and force myself to meet a friend for a cup of coffee, or go to a party, so i guess i'm not completely hopeless. But it's still rare enough to be below the norm. 

So when these kind of things happen, when i really have to show emotion, i feel panic (i AM emotional, but in a different way...) Words like care, love, sorrow, even family seem so foreign to me. Does it make me a robot? 
Maybe it's my perfectionism again, my sky-high standars for what things like love should be. I know i can't meet my own standards. So i don't even try i guess.

Giveth and taketh

I'm a helper. Not only am I in serviceworker and a volunteer, I'm just a helpful person in general. I like to help, it makes me feel good.

It's ultimately a selfish thing. A search for self-gratification, more than a genuine interest or engagement. At work, I always push myself a little harder to get appreciation. Even if I dislike some of the people I help, I still want to please them.

Sometimes I put helping others before my own needs. Illogically, I feel like it's my responsibility to stand up, more that someone else's. Some people are quick to spot that weakness in me, and take advantage of it.

It's like I feel I owe I have to deserve my place in the world. Like I'm an uninvited guest at a party. It's silly but it's such an automatic response. Must be something to do with feeling neglected as a child. That I'm less worth than others, unworthy of love. By helping I compensate for my 'faults', and become equal.

Then there are times when I'm tired of excusing myself. The altruistic side of me is strong, but there's another side too.
The angry child who screams for attention, demands what belongs to her. I was never like that as a child. But now it's different, I can be demanding without being afraid that people will break, or abandon me. So relationships become mathemathics; how much did I give and how much did I get for it? Woe is he who fails to provide the exact amount (of love) in return.

Therefore I spare the mankind of tyrannization and stay single.

Update 24/1 2012:

Well I'm proved wrong again...atleast when you compare to some people. I don't always help, whereas there are some saints who do just that, every freaking time...I'm amazed.
Just one thing. Why would you help me if you hate my guts? Why'd you stop the bus for me. I don't get it. I'm a bit offended actually. Next time I'm late for the bus, just leave it, ok? Mind your own business. What are you anyway, an angel, working for the man? You sure take it as a job. I almost hear you sigh, 'here we go again'...
And yeah, I'm up to date now. You made sure I overheard your conversation. It's not girlfriend anymore, it's wife now. Good for you. I never liked you that way anyway. Not even if I tried. I could imagine a kiss, tops. But I would never ever interfere with your marriage. I'm not a cheater.
So ignore me, hate me, feel sorry for me...then say a few friendly words, like you do sometimes -and go back to loathing me again. I understand, I hate myself too. I will still like you. You can't do nothing about it. Ha!


The week has passed, and it's time to sit back and talk shit about people behind their back to feel better about ourselves (= myself).

This weeks gallery of eejits, wankers and the brain-free.

Ladies and gentlemen, the motorway is crowded, we need to get rid of the deadweight
 Exit 1. People who pass common knowledge as advice. Do they think you've lived in a vacuum all your life? Yes, as a matter of fact, it HAS crossed my mind to exercise in order to lose weight, but thanks a lot for trying to be helpful...
 Exit 2. People who treat you as their personal servant. And get pissed if you don't turn into whatever it is that they need at the moment. Even complete strangers can have this deluded attitude. Just who do you think you are?
 Exit 3. Stumbling drunk dishevelled middle-aged men with alcohol-inflated egos taking the opportunity to approach a pretty young girl less than half their age. At a fucking bus stop. Because asking her a made-up question about timetable or route or whatever is as near as they are ever going to get her. They just have to try their luck anyway. Pa-theee-tic

 Exit. 4. Older people who get their kicks by constantly claiming how, since they have lived longer than you, they are superior to you. I might not have been affected by gravity and oxidants that long, but I have a full-grown brain nonetheless. I do things differently than you, but it doesn't mean I do them wrong.

There I fixed it.
No need to thank me, I'm happy to serve the common good.

At the writing moment, I'm completely sober! Honest!
If a small amount of coffee doesn't count. Or ca 1000 g chocolate...or chronic lack of sleep.

1-20 of 34 Blogs   

Previous Posts
The Last Man, posted April 24th, 2014
Call Me Self-Absorbed, posted February 1st, 2014
I will never accept, posted August 28th, 2013
So out of it, posted February 24th, 2013
Promises, promises, posted February 12th, 2013
Another classic, posted January 11th, 2013
Turning into someone else and back, posted January 6th, 2013
Another Skull in my Necklace, posted December 21st, 2012
Possessed, posted December 4th, 2012
I don't listen to the warnings, posted October 20th, 2012
Struck down, posted September 21st, 2012
Why Do I Even Bother..., posted August 31st, 2012
I Should Have Known Then, posted July 22nd, 2012
the woods, posted May 31st, 2012
my options, posted March 6th, 2012
Like flies falling down, posted February 26th, 2012
the wall II - chronicles of a breakdown, posted February 18th, 2012
Cold, posted January 15th, 2012
Giveth and taketh, posted January 3rd, 2012
smug, posted December 9th, 2011
androgynous?, posted December 2nd, 2011
the wall, posted November 8th, 2011
proxy, posted November 6th, 2011
ED and me, posted October 19th, 2011
a meeting, posted October 7th, 2011, 1 comment
our demons, posted September 27th, 2011
more than...this, posted September 17th, 2011
there are guys and there are GUYS..., posted August 21st, 2011
suitable target group?, posted August 8th, 2011
to the well-meaning jerk, posted June 26th, 2011
I have become such an impossible b..., posted June 9th, 2011
what, posted September 6th, 2009, 1 comment
just love the mood update feature, posted May 20th, 2009
one of those days, posted May 17th, 2009, 2 comments
it's supposed to help?, posted May 7th, 2009
nostalgia, posted May 6th, 2009
burden, posted April 14th, 2009, 1 comment
I'm impossible, posted March 25th, 2009, 2 comments
why go alone?, posted March 14th, 2009
it's been a while, posted March 8th, 2009
falling down again..., posted October 4th, 2008
a misunderstanding, posted September 25th, 2008
now I've got nobody.., posted September 21st, 2008

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